How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship | Step-by-Step Guide

“Your touch makes my skin crawl.”

The words hit Brian like a knife to the heart.

It was supposed to be a simple dinner out, a chance to reconnect. But while waiting for their table, he put his arm around his wife’s back. She pulled away. When he tried again, she shoved his hand off.

Embarrassed and frustrated, he snapped, “Okay, let’s just go.”

Their exit turned into a blowout in the parking lot.

“I can’t stand your touch. I f*%king hate you so bad. It makes my skin crawl.”

Brian’s marriage had been unraveling for years. Divorce had been on the table more times than he could count. 

But everything changed when he finally learned how to stop being controlling in a relationship. And with it, he rebuilt not only his marriage, but himself.

In this article, I’ll break down how he did it. And we’ll hear from other men who did the same.

Let’s dive in.

1. What Control Actually Is

Many of you googling “how to stop being controlling in a relationship” are probably doing it begrudgingly. You got called out by your spouse or girlfriend, and you don’t know why. After all, it’s not like you’re a control freak!

Most men think control is obvious. Yelling. Demanding. Laying down ultimatums. But that’s the surface-level stuff. 

The real control—the kind that quietly strangles the life out of a healthy relationship—is covert.

• It’s the subtle corrections when she tells a story, making sure she “gets the details right.”
• It’s the casual guilt-tripping when she wants a night out with friends.
• It’s the calm, reasonable explanations for why her feelings don’t make sense.

Covert control doesn’t scream. It doesn’t stomp its feet. It operates in the background, wrapped in good intentions. 

“I’m only trying to help.” “I just want us to be close.” “To me this makes more sense.”

But if your wife feels like she has to filter herself around you…

If she second-guesses what she wants because she knows you’ll “have thoughts”…

If she used to be playful and warm, and now she’s distant and guarded…

Then you’re not leading. You’re controlling.

And what’s worse—you likely don’t even realize it.

Brian didn’t. Not at first.

The Illusion of Being a “Good Husband”

You don’t have to be a controlling person to put somebody in the silent stranglehold of covert control. 

Brian thought he was being a good husband—thoughtful, supportive, always putting her needs first. But beneath that was a lifetime of covert contracts.

“My life since the time I was five years old, when I told my parents to get divorced at five years old, was taking care of other people. That was my life purpose. But as I look back, a lot of that was also taking care of them so they’d take care of me. If I’d lift them up, maybe they’d throw a roll back for me and help me outta the hole too. So, covert contracts were a huge thing for me.”

That’s how it begins. You give—not purely to give but with an unspoken expectation of something in return. 

Maybe not overtly. Not even consciously. But the moment she doesn’t respond the way you think she should… resentment creeps in. Frustration builds. Passive-aggressive jabs follow.

Control isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it wears a smile.

But where does it come from? Why is it so much worse with your wife than anywhere else?

2. Where Control Comes From

At its core, control is about two things.

Fear Makes You Hold On Tighter

Fear of loss. Fear of rejection. Fear that if you loosen your grip, she’ll slip away.

So what do you do? You hold on tighter. You try to manage her moods, anticipate her needs, steer the conversation just right so she won’t get upset. 

You think if you can only get it right—say the right thing, do the right thing—she’ll finally relax. She’ll choose you.

But that’s not how it works.

Studies show that struggling to manage emotions can lead to clinginess, smothering, or trying to control a partner.

This fear-driven control isn’t about love—it’s about survival. And this next point only amplifies it.

Anxious Attachment Turns Love Into Chaos

Most experts call this “indirect control” a pattern of an insecure attachment style. I’m referring to anxious attachment, and it fuels this cycle. 

If deep down, you believe love is conditional—something you have to earn—then every little sign of distance from her feels like a threat. 

• She’s quiet. That must mean she’s upset. 
• She’s pulling away. You better fix it now before it’s too late.
• She’s saying late at work. She must be connecting with someone else.

The problem is the more you try to control, the more she wants to escape.

And that includes unwanted shows of intimacy. Take her discomfort as a clear sign that there needs to be some distance to rekindle the spark.

Research shows that people with anxious attachment often experience heightened fear of abandonment. They also often develop tendencies of perfectionism and social disconnection at a young age.

Because of these traits, they often respond with clingy or controlling behaviors to regain security in the relationship (Brides.com). 

This reaction may feel like love—like you’re just trying to hold on, to show how much you care—but in reality, it pushes your partner further away.

Think about it like this: Imagine someone grabs your wrist, not in an aggressive way, but firm. 

At first, it might fill you with a sense of safety, like an anchor. But as the grip tightens, even if it’s coming from a place of fear or desperation, your instinct kicks in—you want to pull away. You need space to breathe, to move freely.

It’s the same in your relationship. The tighter you hold on—seeking reassurance, trying to control the outcome, needing constant validation… the more suffocating it feels for her. 

What started as an attempt to keep her close ends up making her feel trapped, leaving her with no choice but to retreat.

Control doesn’t create connection. It kills it.

Here’s how it looked for Brian.

“Control, Control. Controlling and honesty. Those two things. I was trying to control everything to the point where at times I would almost create my own chaos because that’s what I was used to. And I was so fearful of her leaving or her finding something better that I tried to control her, which is the exact opposite of what she needs. The more freedom I give her, the less she takes.”

The irony is, the moment Brian let go of control, she naturally leaned in more. 

She didn’t need space anymore—because it was finally her choice, not something to fight for.

We’ll expand on that shortly.

I think a lot of the men we’ve helped would agree that, when you’re the one holding on too tight, it’s easy to justify it. 

You tell yourself you’re just being attentive, trying to make things work. But how does it feel for the person on the other side?

3. What Control Does To Her

Now, flip the script. Imagine a close friend who suddenly starts trying to control you. 

They’re always checking in on you, second-guessing your decisions. 

They make subtle comments about what you should or shouldn’t do—making you feel like you’re under a microscope and not trustworthy.

How long before you start pulling away? How long before you stop opening up, stop sharing, stop feeling like yourself?

That’s exactly what’s happening to her.

The Harder You Hold On, The Faster She Slips Away

In Fight Club, there’s a pivotal moment when Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) lets go of the steering wheel while driving. 

The Narrator (Edward Norton) panics, frantically trying to regain control. But Tyler tells him, “Stop trying to control everything and just let go.”

Now—to be clear—this is not an endorsement to test this theory on the highway. Keep your hands on the wheel. But in relationships, it’s a different story.

The car doesn’t crash because of letting go—it crashes because of the panic. The struggle. The fear.

And that’s exactly what happens in relationships.

The more you try to grip the wheel, steering every outcome, managing her emotions, controlling the direction… you’re driving yourself straight into disaster.

Because the irony is this: the only way to stop losing control is to let go of it completely.

But what does letting go actually mean? And how do you do it without becoming passive?

4. How To Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship

Letting go doesn’t equal giving up. It means choosing a different approach. One that actually builds trust and connection instead of pushing her further away.

Here’s how:

Give Space—It’s Your Greatest Ally

The more you chase, the more she runs. Space isn’t your enemy—it’s your greatest ally.

For some, this can be the hardest part. It runs counter to their instincts. If you’re one of those men, you must resist.

Another Marriage Reset client, Robert, learned this crucial step in turning his marriage around.

“And then you give space. And if you do that, space is your friend. And I didn’t ever think space would be my friend. And I don’t think a lot of people realize that.”

When you stop smothering, you allow her to breathe. To feel her own emotions. To miss you. When she senses that you’re comfortable with space instead of terrified by it, she feels safer.

Want her to come closer? The first step is to step back.

Practical Tip: The next time she pulls away—resists affection, goes quiet, seems distant—resist the urge to “check in” or “fix” things. Instead, focus on yourself. Go to the gym, work on a project, meet up with friends. Let her feel the space without pressure. 

It’s important you do this not as a technique, but to actually get busy in your life and start doing things for yourself. It must come from a place of self-respect and genuine fulfillment, not manipulation or hoping for a reaction. 

Remember, the shift isn’t about making her miss you. It’s about reclaiming your own center so that you naturally become more attractive in the process.

Let Go—Stop Trying to Control the Outcome

I think this point is clear by now: You don’t control how she responds. You never did.

There is no “right move” that guarantees she’ll stay, love you again, or see you differently.

Most men obsess over the outcome—“Will she come back?” “Is she still in love with me?”—instead of focusing on their process.

But the moment you drop the attachment to a specific outcome, you become unshakable.

• You’re no longer reacting to her every mood swing.
• You stop making fear-based decisions.
• You start focusing on what you can control—how you show up, how you lead yourself, how you respond.

Raj, another Marriage Reset client, put it best after overcoming major struggles and turning his marriage around:

“There is no favorable outcome or unfavorable outcome. It’s an outcome. It’s not in your control.”

It doesn’t mean giving up. It means accepting reality and moving with confidence.

And the irony is, the less you try to control her, the more influence you actually have.

She notices the change. The tension fades, curiosity builds, and she starts leaning back in.

That’s exactly what happened to Brian:

“The more freedom I give her, the less she takes. She’s also sharing now with me, whatever she’s gonna do on a Sunday, if she’s gotta run errands or whatever; she tells me all about it. And it’s because I’m not asking.”

Practical Tip: Shift your focus from winning her back to winning yourself back. The key is to anchor yourself in a personal mission beyond the relationship. Whether it’s leveling up in your career, getting in peak shape, or pursuing something meaningful—stick to your purpose. 

Each morning, ask: “What’s one thing I can do today to strengthen my mindset, my body, or my purpose?” When you’re fulfilled and focused, you naturally stop micromanaging the relationship. And just watch what happens.

Check out our other marriage improvement exercises that you can do to strengthen your relationship.

Key Takeaway

If you’re stuck in a cycle of trying to fix, manage, or control, it’s time to step back.

The real key to how to stop being controlling in a relationship is focusing on what you can control—yourself. When you shift your energy from grasping to leading, she’ll start seeing you differently.

And from there, you can rebuild. From there, you can save your marriage, even when it seems impossible.

If you’re ready to take that next step, book a free call with our Marriage Evaluator today.

Let’s assess where you are, what’s holding you back, and how you can start rebuilding attraction the right way.